I think drunk me is telling hungover me something... I just have to crack the code.
Just found a dugout in my rental car glove box. Suddenly my mood is upbeat.
Drunk off five beers on a Tuesday. I'm not sure which part of that statement is more sad
I think it was our ex-neighbor Mike. He leaves Taco Bell outside our door a lot
He'll drop off his extra tacos at our place bc he's super high when he orders & can't eat them all
btw, do you remember scaling that porch last night?
Nothing will ever prepare you for the moment when you are sitting on your friends bathroom floor with no pants on eating string cheese & pita at 2am.
I fucked a guy that's in Sports illustrated. I'm officially ready for college.
I yelled at the dude who smoked him up "YOU'RE THE REASON I'M NOT GETTING LAID" then went to bed. So yeah, I guess it was an ok night.
When he couldn't get it up, he handed me a beer, put his clothes back on, and said "try again tomorrow."
WHITE RUSSIAN BREAKFAST CEREAL.
Is it bad that I'm tindering right now? I'm naked on his couch while he's slaving over legal documents for work. And he doesn't have cable, so what else am I supposed to do?
Congratulations, you have turned my vagina into a garden hose.
If I die write a nice eulogy and bury me with my star wars bobbleheads
You were holding onto her boobs like you were adrift at sea and they were the only flotation devices
I literally ended up in this basement and was tangoing w my friend and then I peed in a supply closet and had to be put to bed
Randomize
