some dude just recognized me causeg he had a pic of us making out onvhis phone
I sent you an email today but due to work restrictions, I had to misspell choke sex
Turns out I'm like the Wayne Gretzky of hiding cum. Who knew?
the 24 hour champagne diet aint going so well
You scratched my dick last night. It deserves an apology and I fell that actions speak louder than words when it comes to apologies like this.
We got back from Mcdonalds and literally 5 minutes of being in your room, you wanted to go back because "We haven't been yet."
I get hit on by the prison guards every time i go to see him. Seriously.
You were visibly distraught that my boyfriend and I didn't have sex in your bed. You forced us to take your condoms.
I'm gonna have to get you a special blowjob bib -- like a lobster bib -- but instead of a picture of a little red lobster, it will have a picture of a penis, with 3 big squirts coming out.
He showed me his night stand drawer...it has one too many sex things in it.
Exactly how many...is TOO many?
I don't know what part of my sober brain thought it was a good idea to get stoned when I can barely walk with crutches as it is, but that part is stupid.
You were hitting on girls while wearing the banana suit. When they rejected you you yelled "I gotta split anyway."
I completely forgot I gave up beer. But airports don't count. They're like international waters. No rules.
Did you really have to freak out and get up half way through to put the cat in the closet?
...
Now after not puking, next step is not to do the accent when immigration says "hello."
Randomize
