I dint menn to makr ut w brtendr
Wat???
U lft me at bar, no cassh for cab, may have slept with bartender
I fucking hate vegan toaster pastries. You don't fuck with poptarts. It's like baseball...it's the backbone of american sport and you don't change it. Poptarts are the backbone of american fatasses and you don't just go changing them.
It's mornings like this that make me happy to have a clean pair of underwear in my purse.
sometimes i think my sole purpose in life is to cockblock my roommate
Hurry up. Some creepy guy with a "God is vengeful" flyer is asking where I wanna go most today. I think he's going to chop me into pieces.
Hey, so I'm not coming into work til Friday. Some guy I've known for about 8 hours just offered me a free vacation to Maui and bought my plane ticket. He's Aussie so I'm 75% sure he won't murder me
It all started with sending him a text about Spongebob. It escalated from there.
Yeah we invited her back for chicken nugget sandwiches
I've literally exhausted all the videos on pornhub. It took like 4 years, but I've done it. I did that quicker than I finished college
my only goal for the semester is never go to my wednesday class sober
For a man with no legs he was surprisingly good at doggy style.
I don't know whether to high-five you or stage an intervention.
I tried to find an emoji but none convey my excitement for receiving good sex soon
I FUCKED THE WRONG FRIEND HELP ME
he went down on me while I ate Oreos. I don't know what caused the orgasm.
Taco Bell is better for you than cocaine, I promise.
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