Dude love is like an itch. You fuckin scratch it, then it itches more, then you scratch it and it itches more, and before you know it, there is semen everywhere.
you are insane
My New Years Resolution was to get a girl I dont know pregnant. 8 months later I can check that off the list..
If you bang a chick other than your girlfriend while playing tiger woods on xbox I wonder if an accomplishment would come up...
God gave him joint rollers for hands
Depending on hangover severity. The fact that I can spell severity is in your favor.
i'm having taco bell mild sauce and tums for breakfast because i'm hungover and thats all i can find. it's like thanksgiving up in here
Things I learned last night: 1. Bacardi 151 is a one-way ticket to the toilet, 2. It is possible for a human being to turn into Mount Vesuvius
He left his phone. Turns out he;s been sexting with some girls who can't spell. Time to break out the herpes scare.
I just stole some rubbers from the girl I stayed with last night so I can use them on a different girl today..
He had a drawn-on fu manchu and now my vagina has one too.
Finally hooked up with her. She bought me tacos after because "she can do better in a bed". You're gonna be my best man.
Spent tonight painting strippers in camo.
Puked in my purse on my Uber ride home last night. Safe to say it's not a good idea to beer bong a whole bottle of wine.
We fucked on the roof... like that has to mean something
Turns out I made out with a woman dressed as a unicorn here 10 years ago
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