totally just realized while washing my face that Cetaphil looks like semen.
you'd be alarmed at how much plan b i just found in mom's bathroom...
people are starting to question the shark bite story
we need to stop having unprotected sex.
ya i know. we're like the secret life of the american whores.
yeah, but i heard shes schizophrenic
i wouldn't even care dude, i'd fuck her and all 7 of her personalities.
So I'm looking through your google history on your laptop and you have 'is ketchup even remotely nutritious' and 'alcohol with fewest calories but highest alcohol'. What new fad diet are you on because I feel like we could do this together.
why is there a clump of hair nailed to my wall?
After doing lines off my chest, she said, "do you even know how fast I could suck your cock right now?!!" and her friend said, "yea she totally could".
I will now refer to my life as before and after I used Astroglide for the first time
The moment you ate chicken nuggets out of your purse you were my hero.
Where the hell did i get chicken nuggets from
The front desk girl just had that condescending welcome-home-from-your-walk-of-shame face on
It was probably because you set your bra on the couter while you found your ID...
You're finding a boat, I'm going to sleep with a guy that lives above a bar and has 24 hour access. We are really nailing this adulting thing
Are you opposed to me trying out your penis?
Um that's okay I got up on the table at IHOP and terrorized the entire restaurant for a phone charger after I stole the whip cream from the kitchen and started eating it out the can
Well now I’m in the bathroom puking up absinthe so guess I beat myself up over it one way or the other
Randomize
