i called my mom using *69 and said this was the principal and Matt has a snow a day today. she believed me.
Somewhere out there, someone is getting laid. And then theres me, watching Star Trek porn while my roommate plays World of Warcraft next door
Sorry I missed your call. Have a great morning.
That is a horrible way of saying good morning to someone. You basically reminded me that we did not hook up yesterday. It's bad enough I got to go to work all day with blue balls.
I can feel my liver begging me to stop.
As part of the off-hours team building exercises, I had my new coworkers figure out to push me back to the hotel from the nearby bars in a shopping cart every night for a week.
Whiskey dick has taught us to be smart with our time.
She introduced me as that girl Nathan was fingering
Hey you remember last Super Bowl when I sent you a pic of my testicles? Memories...
Well it ended with everyone taking a bite out of a raw potato and a girl crying because her boyfriend wouldn't bring her any grape juice. So yeah...I'd say the night was a success.
If you put those two in a room together it'd be like a Taylor Swift fantasy and an Adele nightmare just licking faces
What the hell do I have to give up to manifest a dick
For future reference. Do not congratulate the bar tender at oscars she is not pregnant she has just gotten fat u will get a shot thrown in your face
Your vagina doesn't want to be violated with garnishes. I get it.
I also woke up on my floor. Naked. On a pile of clothes. With my head in the trash can. And a sheet over me.
how do you know everyone's mad at you?
I just woke up feeling shameful
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