stop calling my apartment porn island.
The sign in front of ihop says "designated drivers get half off their order"
I knew it was different as soon as you told me you slept with him and didn't tell me about his dick
We lived together for a year and neither of us knew we were both gay.
What's the rule on cocaine before dinner?
Its 11 o'clock somewhere
Well, I wanted to be you for Halloween but I couldn't fit seven dicks in my mouth.
Just talked to Kate. She said I called her on Friday night. She said I was crying for 5 minutes because we were parked in front of a fire hydrant.
Whoever owns the butter that i always steal out of the office fridge definitely put THC butter in there this time. Shit just got real.
We got a standing ovation as security was escorting us out of the ballpark, it was a proud moment
Apparently she broke up w/ her bf like 3 weeks ago. She actually called me to be her bday hookup cause she's single now. Patience- the virtue that occasionally pays off.
My goal in life is to ruin sex for someone. To be so mindblowingly unreal that they can never find anyone like me ever again. So far it's going well.
Not even official and he's cleaned my puke twice. His hotdog skills are an added bonus. I've got a keeper
We smoked a huge blunt and then laid in bed naked eating strawberry shortcake good humor bars. We have the perfect relationship.
You're never gonna guess who's blood is on my shirt
Why do I feel like I really don't want to hear the end of this...
Nice. I got home at like 3am.stopped at Walmart for a vacuum and weirdly a trash can. Not sure why high me last night needed a new trashcan.
Randomize
