it doesn't get any better than taco bell and soft core porn
i feel like my life has become an afroman song and idk whether i should be sad about that or not
When you're on the hood of a car, 10 mph feels pretty fucking fast.
tequila makes me forget i have legs
I voted for him because his wife supports his raging sex life.
An there's a little girl across the bar eating Mac n cheese... #1 she won't stop looking at me. Boo bitch I'm drinking alone. #2 I'm about to tackle her ass for that Mac n cheese.
i can't understand anything he's saying. But he spells alcohol right everytime so i deciphered it.
No. I want him to marry me so we can spend our lives together. I also want a to-scale model of his genitals to mount above my fireplace
Today's hangover is a "wear sunglasses while pooping in the dark" kind of day
He called it restless penis syndrome. I call it cheating.
My Internet history has 23 searches for 24 hour cake. Self respect plummeting.
Idk if I should be worried or amused that my autocorrect changes the word STD to DTF.
Do you think the hole in the ceiling will count against our security deposit?
Let's just say I peed the bed last night, and I wasn't in it alone. Whoooops
He expects a blow job at the movies but won’t pay for popcorn? Does he know it’s not 2017 anymore
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