I'm drunk in f*****g wisconsin and want to kill myself.
If it's any consolation, be grateful that you're not in New Jersey.
yo dude i was totally schwabbin last night.
what does that even mean?
you ever see those charles schwabb commercials, where the people are like half cartoon half real.... well yeah i saw that in real life.
If I were trying to take advantage of you I would have maxed out all your credit cards by now.
My plan for valentine's day: take a shot for every guy I've slept with. To keep me from going to the hospital I'm only doing half a shot for small dicks
Wow. Thanks for becoming another fan of something on Facebook. You make me want to gouge my eyes out.
Doing shrooms is fine until you get raped by curtains
I just did a line of coke with an Olympic bronze medallist. I guess we know why he only got bronze.
Who am I sleeping next to in your bed? Where are you? Also when are you coming home... I need coffee.
I've noticed we have slowly begun to phase the "B" out of our Bromance.
I heard the bride mutter "I should have brought a fucking tranquilizer". I'm not at all surprised that you got banned from the bar afterwards.
Having sex with him is like eating mayo. Don't think about it, just do it. It's worth it.
That's not the problem. The problem is I thought I was over him but he smells nice today.
So I almost broadcasted the porn from my phone to the boardroom chrome cast
If we hadn't just agreed to no commitment, i'd totally propose right now. Best. Fuckbuddy. Ever.
You spent the entire night trying to catch pigeons and hugged a homeless guy and then gave him a pregnancy test.
Randomize
