I'm so drunk I cant read cursive anymore.
i really wish my pants would only unzip when im sober
cant help it. i get a boner every time that shake weight infomercial comes on
I'm currently blowing up the downstairs bathroom at work. I wish I could foursquare this.
I have a plus one for the Blackout Express, should I pen in your name?
It makes me really sad that some people start their saturdays running or biking instead of with 3 shots of tequila, a sausage biscuit, freaks & geeks and 2 orgasms.
When I'm famous, she'll look at her kids and go "I saw her buttcheeks beefore she was famous. I'm truly blessed."
So I bet a guy he could drink two irish car bombs faster than me and I lost. now he gets to name our first son. sory.
Geez don't go to a bar for a few days and everyone freaks out.
My vagina feels like a chupacabra ripped me apart using its mythological set of needle pointed teeth
I woke up cuddling a ham. That's not a euphemism. I actually slept with an entire ham.
If you come home to me in lingerie and you start vacuuming...I need to reevaluate my priorities
The free coupon that printed out with the purchase of my plan b emergency contraception was for allergy meds. I feel like a coupon for condoms would've been more fitting in this situation.
Oh wait. It's for wart remover. Fitting, afterall.
meow
use your words like a big girl
i ran over your cat.
What did you do with the dog when you went into the club?
coat checked
Randomize
