your parents love me but you hate me
PS - I'm in bed with an 18 yr old-am I a cougar?
No - puma.
party started at 10. cops are coming to shut us down now and its 11. i already lostmy underwear and im wearing a sparkly thong on my haed. this has to be some kinda record.
I guess I fist pumped too hard. I hit my mom in the face and now we're sitting in the ER.
When we told the nurse what happened, she replied with "OH, Well you don't look Italian to me!"
You didn't see us wave? How could you not? We were all going like 10mph screaming at you. We were stoned and didnt wanna run over pedestrians
Just bought a beer belt to complete the Captain America outfit. I will do my part as a hero of America to pass out beer to the good citizens of America.
Had to. She was getting married in 2 days & her vag was having a close out sale. You know I love a good bargain.
Well I blew a guy I barely know in full view of a homeless camp. That's pretty tame for me.
do you know how much drugs we can buy now that you got that raise at work
Fuck my life, there's a fry in my vagina.
I was like kind of drunk but mostly just very enthusiastic about beyonce
I straight up told your dad I've slept with a majority of your family
Whenever someone said no you would yell "Die Motherfucker." Kind of like some twisted drinking game.
My prof handed me back my essay on Lesbians in literature, gave me an A and then we had sex in her office. Told you she was gay.
You threw away your W2 to make more room in your purse for liquor.
Randomize
