i now have a sippy cup solely for the purpose of drinking alcohol out of...am i an alcoholic?
So currently I have a block of cheese duct taped to my air conditioner in lieu of a fridge.
I HAVE A PIGEON IN MY JACKET.
That is the best grammar in a dirty text ever. Excellent use of the semi-colon. And yes; I am hard.
Well this lady at the bar told me I was a natural on the tambourine and that it was my God given talent. and then she gave me a tambourine.
Tomorrow's thirsty thursday is now sponsored by the three time champion, chemisty failure. celebration starts asap.
I just got peed on. This karma circle is starting to get vicious.
Not drinking has really freed up a lot of my time. I made a bracelet yesterday. I miss bars.
Sorry about the flaming shit on your door
I never thought I'd be in my late 20s and send that text
So I just sent my ex a video snap chat of me getting head from some Venezuelan hottie with the caption I still love you. Think she'll take me back?
His constant posting of "inspirational" Taylor Swift quotes over the past 3 days has me a little worried. It's like, holy shit dude, you're almost 30.
We had sex and he ended up in the hospital... don't know if I should be worried or proud.
I shit myself when I came, don't have flu sex
It's like everybody loves Raymond but the total opposite and everyone wants him to die
My vagina knows your penis is sad about Andrew Luck. You should come over and let her comfort him in his time of need
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