I want to give you a handjob with my mouth.
Dude, I just woke up on the floor of some random chick's floor with puke in my hair and a posted note on my forehead that said "It's over." Dude I wasn't even aware I was in a relationship...
My birthing hips are way to big to be around all these juveniles.
after the first blizzard, i went out and bought a thirty and put it in a cooler and hid it out in the backyard. now the second blizzard has deposited 2 feet of snow on top of said cooler. there is a shovel and treasure map over here waiting for you
1 I really miss college walks of shame 2 I think I may have killed this girls cat
Um, so I couldn't say it in person, but if you find my underwear in your office. Sorry. I couldn't find them, so yea.
Did I tell you I had a charge show up for $36 on a credit card I haven't used in 6 months from Wild Wings? It was that night we slept across the street from the bar.
Also, I am ligit concerned that I might compulsively start collecting vibrators like Pokemon.
i have at this current moment imbibed enough alcohol to float immerse or otherwise submerge a goat of respectable size. tequila
I just saw him carrying his little sister while walking his puppy. And he was shirtless. I swear my ovaries just exploded
I just karate chopped a humming bird out of mid air. It came at my face while I was out side smoking. Scared the shit out of me. My ninja skills just took over. Haha. I mean really at that point it was me or him.
Ps I just used the "If you give a mouse a cookie" defense in a real life situation. Suck it
I got laxative. And a toothbrush. Because who wants to buy just laxative on a Friday night?
Listen, I booty called my boss last night from the company phone. I may need to brush up my resume.
Dude she literally licked him. He was covered in cheese and in her high state what else was she gonna do?
Randomize
