My breakfast consisted of a slimfast and an adderal. My fridge is like an insecurity buffet.
my 12 year old sister just told me how admirable it was that i felt comfortable going out with my friends dressed "like that"
Remind me to never go to the bar with your Asian friends again. I need to be able to read or pronounce what I'm drinking.
No, he attached a coozie to his crutches so he can carry his beer around the party.
Just watered mom's plants with leftover mixed drinks full of Bacardi Silver. I'm such a good daughter.
You remember the guy that busted in waving a tazer at everyone yelling "get the fuck outta my crib"?
yeah you don't forget that shit easily
We ended up crawling out from our hiding spot and playing pool with him once he calmed down. His name is Marcus. I got his email.
I CAN'T DO THIS MUCH FABULOUS BEFORE LUNCHTIME
So I've been thinking about this, and I've decided my bed is magic. Every time I change the sheets, a new boy is in my bed. I own the Sheets of Dreams-if I change them, they will come.
Quick how do you hit on a guy in the car behind you? It's important.
Right now I'm drinking out of a gallon water jug & eating a baconator. If you're feeling down, just remember you could be me.
He said that he had extra crunchy taquitos and wanted to go down on me.. I mean how could I say no?
Checked my bank account this morning...apparently I went to 7-11 at 4am and spent $22 on taquitos. New all time low for me.
I ate all of them. New all time low for ME.
I realize that my conversation topics seem to only be about bees and my cross dressing fiance. Thank you for being my friend.
Well, you started screaming "I dont know you GO AWAY" to your mom when she was holding your hair as you threw up in her garden.
Remember that Czech tennis player I brought home from beer pong and banged on your couch last year? He just booty calle me. From the Czech Republic.
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