My phone auto-corrects smirnoff to poisoned. I think it is trying to tell me something.
So i just bought beer on a credit card, using a fake ID, while wearing my nametag from work. All 3 have different names on them. God i love my boobs.
I'm not really sure how I got home, but judging by this headache, i'm assuming it involved bourbon.
You taught me that having a dip while u shit is awesome. I appreciate u for that
should we take a power nap before our cocaine gets here?
it was the drunk execution of a sober decision, and its much more tasteful than the first mullet
I think I've reached that age where I should start dating "congrats" and not "are you keeping it?"
I felt so bad for you. Drunk Rachael wanted nothing more than to crawl into the cop car and give you a hug. Luckily Mollied/Barred out Rachael convinced Drunk Rachael this was a terrible idea. So I ran. I have your keys btw
Currently getting "blaow" buzzed into my pubes. How's your thursday?
So if I tell her fire is hot and it will burn her... she's probably just going to keep throwing her vagina at it huh?
Mimosa dick, like his cousin Whiskey dick, is just as ineffective but a lot more fun to be around
Honestly, the only reason I've been productive today was because I ended up organizing my apartment while searching for my vibratory charger.
I know you can't find me. Somehow I ended up on the roof smoking a cig with the strippers that are on break. Way too drunk to deal with this right now.
i'll...probably just offer you drugs?
i'll...probably take them in all honesty
I'd send you a picture as proof but I want to marry him some day and that would be a deal breaker.
Randomize
