bahahahaha i would laugh soo hard if someone did this for me hahahaha this guy would become my best friend
I almost punched the night nurse in her face. I woke up and she was standing over me.
Dude, if she brings up the lube, you know nothing
So basically, I've just woken up in another random bed and I go to get my pants and he's wearing them. Like my underwear is in them... What the fuck is wrong with my life?
STD scares really help you understand the whole six degrees of separation thing...
I did the mature thing and subtweeted that bitch. She follows me so she'll see.
I've got a permanent seat at the "Girls who eat their feelings" table this weekend.
The best part about this city is obvious. Someone saw me crouching by a bar pissing in my leftover Panera bread bowl and they just winked.
I'm not entirely sure what happened last night, but I think I dislocated my kneecap during an epic Mario Kart battle...
I told her the party couldn't handle my playlist LAZERBAWLS and I was right. Cops in the basement, orgy in the kitchen, jousting in the living room.
we told the drug dealer that our car was dead and we needed a jump so he would bring the drugs to us...
Also, being stuck with my family all week has made it very clear that I need to be drunk and I need to be fucked pronto
I wanna be like, dude, I peed your bed. Like you laid in my pee. And we're not dating. You can find another fuck buddy who I'm sure won't piss on you.
His parents bailed him out, the police said they found him on a curb trying to call people on his wallet, hahha. He had his wallet open to his ear callin people
I passed out in your bed last night...there maybe a snickers and twix bar under your pillow
Randomize
