Note to all middle aged "I totally let myself go after childbirth" frumpy mothers: I do not dress this way for your husbands. Stop looking at me like that. It's not my fault.
Have you ever seen a porn where they were playing bluegrass in the background?
He leaned in to kiss me and I dodged him but i fell on the floor. I guess I never got up cuz I woke up on the floor and he was in his bed
my boss told me he would look for my wallet when he went back to the strip club tonight.
I'm out of mixers so I am using sugar water. Times are tough.
Cracked my iPhone screen. Real bad. Girl from last night isn't ugly yet. Stop me if you still think she belongs under a bridge. You have 12 seconds.
i feel like there is just so much pressure to sex him up, its like the weight of the world is on my vagina.
Every part of me is in agreement...but mostly my vagina
"Douchebag of the Year" award goes to the guy who didn't reply to the picture of my tits.
they knew we were both to shy to do anything so they got us drunk and locked us in the back yard with a tent. it was fuck or freeze
you have the best friends
you did that thing you do when youre drunk where you rant about bruce springsteen, start hooking up with someone and then pass out midway through
Odd start to the day - the FBI just showed up at my apartment.
then you dropped a clam in a draught beer like it was a drop shot and and started chugging as beer spewed all over your body.
Why would you call when you knew I'd be having sex!?
Why would you answer?
The seven of us sank the first paddle boat, but the second one was much nicer and we stayed afloat. Best night in a while, but we had to walk of shame for a mile.
Why are you rhyming?
Too stoned. That is how my thoughts are collecting.
Randomize
