Glad I put on jeans. You could measure my ass sweat with a rain guage.
his balls ACTUALLY tasted like nuts
All she gave me for breakfast was raw toast. How can she expect me to eat raw toast?
You mean bread?
So i literally just wrote sorry on my quiz and turned it in.
well when do great stories at the expense of people's relationships become a bad thing?
Dude, she puked up her Plan B, then reached in the toilet and re-swallowed it. That chick does NOT want a baby
I got really high and googled the history of Amish people for like an hour.
I woke up sandwiched between them, all of us naked, and they were just sharing a cigarette, a donut, and the paper like it was just some normal post-threesome Sunday brunch.
Driving you two to the party with a keg belted into the back seat has given me a brief glimpse of parenthood. I am now more resolved than ever to never breed, so thanks for that.
Our house rule in beer pong, is that if you get the ball in the bitch cup.... you have to snapchat your balls to everyone on your friends list.
Well.. If you trust a test that only costs a dollar, I'm not pregnant
The thing about pooping in the woods during hunting season is you never know if someone's watching you.
I'm in the liquor store and fucking "Wannabe" by the Spice Girls is playing. IM ALREADY ASHAMED OF MY REASON FOR BEING HERE, GIVE ME A BREAK.
I wish I was there so i could bitch slap his incredibly sexy face
It's a shame things ended how they did. We were well on our way to transforming from acquaintances with benefits to friends with benefits.
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