Apparently throwing up on his dick didnt convince him to stay away . . . whats the most indirect way of saying "im just going to continue avoiding you"?
like what am i supposed to say "im thinking of how bad that sex was"?
You made a list of reasons why you should be on fear factor. You came up with 2 reasons: "I like fear" and "I am fear"
We fed your dog hot wings then gave it some Bud light to drink. You're right. Dogs are fun.
Hate you missed the after party, I was covered in dish soap gliding bare assed down a slip n slide at 6:30 this morning
He taped a champagne bottle to both his hands and called himself edward champagne hands. At one point he poured some on his lap and said " Just needed to make sure my dick got some too"
Why am I the only one golf clapping for the vomiting girl on the train who just fell of her seat into her own vomit
it is a dangerous dangerous place where morals and dignity go to die and all your fantasies about men become reality.
so apparently last weekend we taught the mascot how to shotgun beers. am i winning college yet?
How do we have all these hot friends who we never do body shots off of
My boss followed me on Twitter. Excuse me while I delete 90% of my tweets
The homeless woman that called me a "dirty looking cunt" the other day, was standing outside Starbucks today with a sign that said "Jesus loves you."
Just cuz I'm recovering alcoholic does NOT make me the taxi for you every weekend
hopefully I won't be diving through a thorn bush to escape an explosion this time
Trying to figure out these fractions. I bought 5 fifths of gin last week. Does that mean I have one whole gin? 5/5 = 1, right? You're having to homeschool your kids right now--so ask them.
Randomize
