toast her oven
toast her strudel
inspect her gadget
Jack off faster Americas best dance crew is beyonce themed
Went to the career fair today..I handed out many resumes to find out later that they say I have a bachelor o farts degree...Top that.
He cooked me dinner. I showed my appreciation by showing up shithoused and breaking a bottle of steak sauce on his floor.
I'll bring the barf blanket just in case.
Yeah got a self inflicted broken nose.
It's "your husband had his mouth on my vagina" awkward.
he slipped a picture of a kangaroo under my door that said "im sorry" on the back and passed out on my lawn.. who the fuck is this kid?
Reached a new low last night. Passed out. With my pants down. On the toilet. At ihop. Waitress had to wake me up.
We were walking home from Pluckers (read carrying your drunk ass) and out of nowhere you yelled "Say bitch you got a Facebook?" at a random chick walking by.
My mom just told me she would flash her tits to a cop to get me out of jail, and then we high-fived.
I survive off of bourbon and the tears of others only
I thought I needed to get laid. Turns out I just needed pasta.
No actually you're a pro. You puked on the cab ride, and managed to completely contain it in your purse. the cabbie was even impressed.
You came in, yelled 'i am from the future' then puked all over the floor
Randomize
