Crown is evil. It plays hide and seek with my morals
Really stoned
just sent my roommate on a cheese run
i was so drunk that i ate a carrot out of her guiena pig's cage and thought it was normal
i think beer pong is the only time ive ever found a use for geometry
I don't know why people felt they couldn't use the toilet with me passed out in the tub. I shut the curtain. It was like being in another room.
he was holding his dick in one hand and my boob in the other and i looked down and thought, this is my life
He told me that a camel appeared out of nowhere and it told him to quit smoking...
Dude, you chugged an entire bottle of tomato sauce and got us free drinks for the night. No way was I gonna stop you.
My adult sexuality and some of the best memories of my childhood collided like a Pee Wee Herman wet dream.
Elaborate
Strip Mario-Kart
You bought champagne and told everyone it was because I'd just found out I was pregnant. How exactly is that being a good wingman?
Yeah I fingered her in the crowd and the dj saw it and gave me props over the speakers. I got so many high fives.
THERE ARE SO MANY ALCOHOLS IN MY BLOOD RIGHT NOW
Eight drinks in. Subject is fondling chips before eating them. Intoxicated texting has expanded from best friend to random guy I met in FBLA.
Omg have I shown you my skeezy ex fiancée?
The other one.
you know what? fuck you, fuck your nana, and ESPECIALLY FUCK THE BLACKHAWKS.
Randomize
