The spoon I was using to ice my hickey just fell out of my purse while i was paying at the liquor store. I look like an alcoholic with a meth problem.
The best part was that when I woke up, I poked her with my dick to wake her up, and said, "Hi, I'm Alex. Nice to meet you". Shoulda seen the look on her face. Priceless.
So after the reception we snuck back into the church for drunken hook up. we passed out there and woke up in time for 6am mass still dressed from the wedding. spiritually trashy or classy?
In my junk email folder, there are literally 67 messages from Alcoholics Anonymous. What..the fuck.
He adopted an old drug sniffing dog so that he won't lose his weed around the house anymore. It works.\n
Would it be safe to assume you're the one that left my front door wide open and left yourself a trail of jaeger drops to find your way back?
Can one of you do me a favor? Light a match and throw it into my room. Bc I'm certain I would rather be burned to death than live in this hell I call my life
Home safe. Took me everything not to stop and pick up some random cat that looked like an ocelot tho.
i told her i wanted to be the Neil Armstrong of her vagina,
Did you seduce any young men into coming home to your love nest of poutine and jäger bombs?
I have got to stop letting people hang ornaments from my nipple ring.
Tis the season.
I have discovered my latent superpower. If a friend is dating a bi chick they will inevitably try and talk me into a threesome.
If if makes you feel any better, you're definitely the hottest guy I've ever friendzoned.
i want to have his babies. i NEED to. shit i wont even ask for child support, he's that goodlooking.
I never thought my gollum impression would lead to me getting laid.
Huzzah!
Randomize
