She looked like cheddar but tasted like limburger...
When do i get to see u next week?
When I teabag your entire family
just got 3 freshman girls to makeout with each other at a toga party! score!
why is this not a picture message?!?!
Good ideas don't start with we have a bottle of vodka..
You know you had a bad blackout when you forget you held the stanley cup.
He woke me up at 4am just to lick my nipple. Then he talked in his sleep for 20 minutes about the sex we just had. I think it's safe to say he's a weird one, but I dont care cuz he fucks like a champ.
The cabbie told me fat girls shouldn't wear tight clothes, and that he feels bad for the guys that have to be underneath them, especially because their positions are "very limited" and proceeded to ask me if I had a trash can and if I could throw something away for him. Don't worry though, he promised it wasn't anything "bad". He then handed me a tied up grocery bag with a bunch of wadded up Kleenex that weighed about 3 pounds. To answer your question, yes I made it home. Fml
I'm using the bullet from my cock ring to massage out my tmj lock jaw from giving too much head.
Due to last night I think a roommate constitution should be made. The first law will be designed to prevent any chicks below a 4 to enter the house.
This Pinterest wedding planning is a good distraction. I'm great at this, my imaginary wedding is beautiful
He pulled over in the Compass Bank parking lot so I could dry-heave, but I decided I couldn't vomit there because "I bank here."
His front door was open but I INSISTED on army crawling FOOT FIRST under the garage door. Then I peed the bed.
at that point, I wouldn't blame you because I'd be so ashamed I couldnt even have sex with myself.
HE IS. YOU SHOULD TOUCH HIS BACK.
IT IS A COURTSHIP RITUAL.
THE MUTUAL BUTT TOUCH IS SACRED.
im going to smoke a cigarette and reflect on my life choices
Randomize
