why did i save someone in my phone as corn dildo?
She transformed our coors light pitcher we stole from the bar into a fruit basket...
Just cleaned up my puke with my lecture notes.
My dinner was lean cuisine and tequila. Aaaaaand I need a boyfriend.
he offered to walk down from the bar this morning to my house and bring me a guinness...
how romantic. its the irish mans version of flowers
in a garage, wearing a toga, theyre debating the logistics of Coke Pong. If I don't make it out of here... it was me who stole your Barbie in the 4th grade- I've never forgiven myself.
We simultaneously blacked out then simultaneously came to then simultaneously had sex with the neighbors. We're definitely meant to be roommates.
you crashed our wine night double date and sat on the floor eating cheese talking about how big his dick is.
I found my keys in the basement freezer. Drunk me is a sneaky little bastard.
But we only had three ninja turtles. So everyone that would ask us where Donatello was, we would say "what? He's gone? Shredder is at it again!"
That's what you get for doing kinky shit with a guy that lives in his moms basement.
No one should have to go to work between Christmas and New Years, but here I am twirling in my office chair and putting Jack in my coffee like I’m back in college studying for finals.
So... Sex in my rain boots last night. Trashy or a great show of character?
If it was with a guy, trashy. Sex with a girl is never trashy.
Also I like oatmeal more than sex.
I remember you banged her while I was dying on your couch, so good call
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