Helping a hot freshman girl move in = 2 hours of my life One bottle of cheap vodkas = $10 Watching her do the walk a shame on her first morning away from home = Priceless
Dating a girl 4 years younger than you is like living in a Taylor Swift song...
Why does my right nut always hang lower than my left nut?
i think every time you texted me i responded with 'bathroom floor'
btw im using a cooler as a purse cause i love string cheese
Just had a tv talk show interview in my mirror. Got into to some pretty heavy shit man, would have made good viewing.
BEST FEELING EVER: Standing in a hot fucking shower, while super baked, while eating a cookie.
You eat cookies in the shower?
Remember camping when you drank 36 beers to yourself in one day and puked in your tent? Ready for round 2?
I think you're my mermaid sister. Separated at birth, by sea.
Slutty summer 2013 has officially started. I did accidentally bite a dick though.
I wanna get a tattoo next to my tattoo that says, my ex did this so don't fucking ask
I want to die, ON THAT, with that INSIDE ME. ironically, I sense that would be the only time I'd feel alive.
I'm perplexed as to why anyone on this planet is straight
Aiming to get laid tonight but if it falls thru I'm either gonna make a mixtape for my sugar daddy or sew a teddy bear for his newborn
I remember her making the first martini but the rest of the weekend is a blur of vodka, high heels and sex toys.
First time being used by a cougar. Definitely okay with it
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