I came back to the apartment and he was waiting for me, covered in mustard.
needless to say I left
Forgot that I saved my paper as "Eat Shit Edwards" and e-mailed it because I missed class. I'm sure Prof. Edwards will be delighted when she gets it. I don't anticipate a passing grade.
is the shake weight an appropriate valentine's day present?
Get the fuck buddy a birthday present or not? He def deserves one, but how do I explain the debit card charge to my husband?
just saw way to many penises for it being 5 o'clock on a thursday
I just saw a fat chick ask the bartender to top her corona off with grenandine cuz she has a "sweet tooth" no that's diabetes fatty
IF HE CAN'T EVEN MAKE EYE CONTACT IN CLASS, I DOUBT THERE WILL BE OTHER FORMS OF CONTACT ON OUR FIRST NOT-A-DATE DATE
Although I would ideally cut back on smoking weed, imagine what getting high and looking for our spirit animals would be like
Did I get stoned on a sunday afternoon and speak to someone on the phone for an hour about cats and their behaviour? Glad you asked. And yes.
Nothing worse then being at the gym on the elliptical next to a guy looking at porn on his phone
At least you didn’t announce to an entire bar you’ve eaten pussy, and then knocked your beer over.
I sleep better at night when I win things. I never really weep for others.
Also so weird my phone cracked after I repeatedly threw it at the ground as hard as possible
Hey sorry if you felt me holding your hand in the middle of the night I was actually just checking you had a pulse
my dad just built a flame thrower.. you should probably get here
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