She's 40ish and I couldn't wake her up with a stick of dynamite. My sheets are going to be covered in glitter lotion and smell like grape vodka and shattered dreams tomorrow.
Aren't divorce parties fun?
You and I have very different definitions of fun.
I just realized that I've become that person they make the alcohol warnings on medicine for.
He insisted on sleeping in my bed. Had he taken all of my obvious hints I would have sucked his dick. He only wanted to snuggle. My world has been turned upside down.
Hurricane Earl: Get Blown party at my house friday! Byob: bring your own bitch/booze. Must have 80s blown hair style, kazoo/noise maker (vuvuzelas/airhorns are allowed), and/or bubble wands. \n
Why am I even shocked you're doing this....
I am dressing up to go buy weed. I need to get out more.
I woke up with his wallet, but not him. Gold-digging at it's finest.
I'm on a mission. But just to make out with him so his relationship collapses and he is single when I come back in April.
Look man, sometimes you just gotta say "Sure! Why not? I can always take a shower afterwards"
Seriously. What did you do to me. You have a monstercoooooock.
I can't believe I just typed monstercoooooock. Twice.
I'm petting the cat while shitting. This is all I ever wanted
I mean I sucked his dick at 3 AM... UNDERWATER. I think I have earned a follow back on twitter.
I met her at the quidditch match. She was the snitch and I caught her. After at the bar she walked up grabbed my hand and said snitches have flesh memories.
my life could not get any worse. just saw my sister in a porno
I think I had sex with a seagull last night. The window is open and there a feathers everywhere.
I just wanna fuck your brother. Sorry if thats a crime.
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