I proposed and she said yes man.
You realize the irony of surrendering on independence day, right?
so i woke up on my toliet naked backwards. good night.
You drank almost the entire bottle of everclear and wanted to walk around. I guess your best friends sister is a cop and you wanted her to arrest you like the lil wayne song.... so sorry dude.
I am officially out of liquor stores within a 15 mile radius that don't recognize me as soon as I walk in the door.
All i know if I'm throwing uo into a bag with a smiley facE on it right now and this is not a smileuy face time right nowe
do you think they make 'sorry for walking in on you drunkenly jacking of to a picture of me' cards?
When I said 'i love my boyfriend' I didn't mean 'send me a picture of your penis'.
Excellent idea. Nothing says "congrats for resurrecting yourself, Jesus" like Greygoose at noon!
I had one glass of wine then passed out for 4 hours. It's like I'm having a quarter-life crisis.
I may have just made our entire microwave glow green. Like big green. Like spark and make me shit green.
Like worse than the time I blew up the microwave with the egg green.
Wow i don't think I've had to send this many texts apologizing for my behavior since high school...
I just found a voice recording from Tanya's bachelorette party when we found you drunk in downtown being harassed by a crazy dude dressed like a clown and we rescued you. Attached is a voice recording of me interviewing you after we found you. I titled it Carlos Batman.
Dead. I am actually dead. Also, worst nightmare confirmed: throwing up in a four hundred person lecture.
Just realized how behind i am. Will gradually increase drinking until i don't remember that i missed an entire year of class.
You kept licking me last night.... and said I tasted like jello. Next time, lay off the jello shots, okay?
Randomize
