If I had a nickel for every time somebody called me a bad person I would have enough money to check into rehab
i found literally half of a double sided dildo in my shower. i guess someone went home happy.
...there is blood under my fingernails.
...I hope my roomates are okay.
i'm pretty sure they aren't charging me for that window i broke with a turkey sandwich while i was hammered.
there's a guy pushing a keg up the street in a shopping cart. you have to love graduation
There's always time for handjobs
He made me hold his dick and say "I solemnly swear that I'm up to no good"
I couldn't tell you were laughing too hard
Dude I thought I set my hair on fire. I wasn't laughing I was screaming.
my vagina can't take this anxiety. there is no way he is 19 and this smooth. he's lying about his age or he's a goddamn sexual prodigy
You BETTER NOT STEAL MY MOTHERFUCKING SQUIRREL
Yeah I mean once a gun is being waved around, its probably a good time to leave the party
But the music was sooo good
Though I don't usually want to turn down ladies who want to liquify my clothing with their eyes, I made an exception.
Did you really just reference your penis in a pep talk? I think I may love you more now.
Look I'm really hungover so let's try this again. In 5 mins you're gonna call me and tell me that you're on your way with xannies, iced coffee and a back rub
You just kept telling everyone to call you MFT.. Mother Fucking Tornado.
Randomize
