My stomach is making the worst sounds, probably because there is nothing but semen in it.
watching my parents drink 4 loko out of usf cups playing pool and rocking out to ACDC...
Can I come live with you?
you yelled "who's job is it to keep me from breaking shit" and then immediately ripped off the molding as you fell down the stairs.
P.S, i don't recommend doing keg stands on top of vehicles.
all i wanted was to be slutty. now i'm meeting him for drinks tomorrow because he woke up before i had a chance to sneak out and was too polite to say no
We invited our waitress tonight to come too.... we told her she had lightning in her veins and in return she taught us a Texas Roadhouse dance so the logical next step was invite her to a kegger.
We realized tonight that we have to get advice about guys from you because you're our only straight male friend that neither of us has slept with.
I really want to text him and congratulate him on having a bigger penis than the guy I dumped him for, but I thought that might be awkward...
We watched Jurassic Park and they made me drink every time they saw or named a dinosaur. Do you know how many dinosaurs live in Jurassic Park? Lots.
The low-flow toilet at my office cannot handle the intensity of this hangover.
you're right. a strip only looks good in porn . mine just looks like a fucked up mullet
Oh by "being festive" I mean make tacos for dinner.
with the possibility that i could very easily fall in love with him and i've actually talked to my HUSBAND about it
I masterbated to his instagram page. Too far or....?
He sang the chorus to “Inside of you” by Russel Brand in Forgetting Sarah Marshall as he proceeded to not pull out...
Honestly? I wouldn’t even be mad, that probably took talent
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