this dieting is killing me...just started drooling watching a dog food commercial
i feel like my life is a cheap remake of American Pie
I want to fuck you with a popsicle till it melts then eat it out of you
Really.
you passed out on the bathroom floor with the door locked. we had to break in and no one was sober enough to move you so they just threw a towel on you and stepped over you
I've had cake for breakfast the past 3 days. You tell me how bikini season is going.
I should have but it might be too early in this fuckbuddyship to emasculate him
i thought i'd fucked her to death. no lie. she just stopped moving.
Notice: I will be intoxicated and in your area this evening. To unsubscribe from my sexual solicitation list, reply 'fuck off'.
Thank you for helping a fellow gay friend today. You are sublime and deserve free tickets to the Ellen show
He called my vagina his wife... how is that NOT creepy?!
WHERE THE FUCK IS MY ARM DO YOU HAVE ANY IDEA HOW DIFFICULT IS IS TO TYPE WITH ONE HAND
Charging my vibrator at work. Pray to god I don't forget it!!!
I wish I could say this wasn't the first time I shit myself in a Piggly Wiggly.
i ate pretzels. i might be the first human to be hospitalized from pretzels. that's how bad this is.
we bonded over knowing every word to freaky gurl by gucci mane so it’s kinda starting to make sense why I gave him head in his cul de sac
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