awoke with 47 plastic lawn flamingos in my bed and on surrounding floor. explanation?
you said they were your minions of evil that protected you from ferrets.
You're earring is so big in my mouth
I wish i could call my weed and hear it ring. That's how i found my phone.
Well when you're drinking tequila mixed with water out of a steve Austin cup I really don't think acquiring a straw is your main priority
I'm alone drinking at the bar and the titanic theme song is on. This won't end well.
you are going to have to live with the consequences, i'm going to fuck your sister
My 16 year old neighbor is throwing a rager cuz her parents are out of town and my brother and I are sitting on the porch listening to A) someone fuck on the trampoline B) a girl bawling about her parents finding out C) someone puking in what we think is the hot tub. And overall we take a shot everytime someone says "bra"
i want to be friends with one of those mini shredded wheat men.
they had to take the Corona's out of the fish tank because they wouldn't fit with the mini replica of the roman coliseum in there. so we drank the Corona's. does beer have an expiry date?
I'm sad we weren't friends when I went through my "I like drugging my friends" phase
Great. I will show up in your office wearing only oven mitts later today.
I miss you, too. It's hard to sleep without anything licking my head.
did i just see you in the movie theater carrying a margarita into Frozen?
All the 6 year olds are jealous of my alcohol
I slept with six men with different nationalities this week. Who says I'm not a woman of culture?
I think my roomie is silently judging me for spraining my foot by having sex in a bounce house
so the bounce house and tequila was good idea then?
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