I wanna do crazy things to you in a tent
fuckk wrong person
.. who was that for? a girlscout?
Why is it that every time I type the word "give" my phone spells out HIV?! You know how many people i've told I want to HIV them something!
I accidentally asked my mom for a blowjob because 'mom' and 'molly' are next to each other in my address book.
Just found my car keys in your throw-up.
No, you dont understand, he literately fucked me into a new hairstyle, quite nice too.
Going abroad, it was like my vagina was in a candy store... a sweet sweet british candy store
He keeps trying to sell me the forks from his kitchen drawer
She called herself a train and then took off all her clothing. I forget everything after that.
I saw you two flinging Jello at the sidewalk if that helps jog your memory.
The stripper from Delilahs paid the desk clerk to find out my room #. Either Im doin something very right or she's doing it worng.
I have never smelled more like a drunk mariachi band than I do right now.
you should never start the day with a boob text. It can only go downhill from there
I started carrying sissors in my purse to open plan B with. Both ashamed and proud.
So when did "Are you okay?" translate into "Don't tell me you got fucked by another rando after another rager"?
That guy I hooked up with in new york last 2 statuses are "I'm going to be a father, it's a girl" then "wow syphilis sure does burn" I'm legit scared... What has my life come to.
woke up with 4 bruises, 2 hickies and a bad case of rug burn. texans are dangerous.
Randomize
