What about the words "You're my personal dildo" made him say "I love you"?
Sitting at a bar next to a guy wearing sunglasses drinking a pitcher by himself and having an argument with himself over if journey is more ballin than kiss. Feel better about myself.
No. I remember how loud you used to get. Trust me.
Just went through the drive thru and got 18 free donuts in exchange for half a joint. Dunkin Donuts at midnight might become a nightly thing for us.
don't let me wipe my vag with a dirty leaf outside of mcdonalds ever again.
Apparently I was the fucked up drunk guy greeting people at the hotel in the lobby last night.
I know. I told you I'm a mess. She had weird nipples. I almost lost an eye to one.
Fun fact: drinking me now steals weaponry
Let's be honest, I am pretty sketchy looking.
I've come to realize that I need a break from life when I just tried to use my address numbers as the cook time on the microwave
I apologize in advance for the amount of cleavage I'll be exposing your boyfriend to.
That awkward moment when you are on your way to ICU and the only sympathy gift you can think of is beer and whiskey
In other news, the one guy I DIDN'T have sex with in High School is now famous.
TELL HER ABOUT THE GODDAMNED MOTHERFUCKING POTATOES
You smoked too much and passed out, didn't you?
You know me so well.
Randomize
