Whenever I'm sad I just imagine if babies were born with mustaches...
i asked him to tell me something nice and he said "your vagina is really tight."
Why I am the classiest girl you know: just mixed drinks for everyone on the baby changing station at the movie theater.
please hurry. your mom just evil laughed to herself in the kitchen like she's plotting my death.
im vomiting on the 4th floor cause no one knows me there
thanks. im glad you find me better in your comparison between me and fat girl porn.
I am a human short and spout . Here is my jager Herr is my redbull . When i get real drink i shout out. Tip me over and pour yeager out
I got shot at last night. Lesson about married chicks: learned.
Why did you fed-x me a peanut butter sandwich?
It seemed like the thing to do. There's popcorn on it too.
STOP smoking sooo much weed. Damn
I guess your brother-in-law will have his day in the sun tonight after you leave. By that, I of course, mean he's gonna suck liquor milk out your sister's tits.
Yes, you can go into Petsmart drunk but the cats awaiting adoption don't appreciate the soft pretzels squeezed through their cages.
I don't know what you slipped me, but my TV is vomming blood right now. Thanks, jerkoff.
Dude, never piss off a hungover boss.
No? The only contact I've had with him for months was when I drunk texted him from Costa Rica to say that all jazz sounds the same
Well I hate to admit it but at this point I can successfully say i have been pee'd on by both of my roommates.
Randomize
