he drunkenly confessed to whacking off before coming over so the sex'd be longer. this one's a keeper
TIT CHECK! TIT CHECK! ALERT! ALERT!!!!
I don't want to have to wonder if I'm draining my pasta in the same side of the sink you pissed in
Training to be a housewife: cleaning the house and masturbating while cookies are in the oven.
I don't have any swimsuits that don't show off the weird handprint bruises on my hips. Do you have a onepiece I can borrow?
Hi, this is a test of the morning after apology broadcast system. If you're receiving this pre-recorded message there is a high probability I was a dickwad to you in the past 24 hours. You have my utmost and sincere apologies. Also if you have my wallet, house key, left converse, or lighter, give them/it back
I like to think I'd be good at dodging genitalia.
It was like inception, a dream, in a dream, in the back of a dodge charger.
I think the guy I was trying to dance with was an undercover cop...
I honestly don't think it will ever get topped. Unless a real female cop arrests me, then fucks me. That's it.
I hope you gays don't get too crazy after DOMA. Gay divorces aren't any better than straight ones.
I walked in on him jerking it to videos of UFC fighters. The most awkward part: he didn't stop when I walked in.
logically I know i should probably study somewhere outside my dorm room, but if I do that then I cant drink and smoke half as much while i study
I DONT KNOW HOW I'M NOT DEAD, JESUS CHRIST ON A DOUBLE DECKER FUCKING KEANU REEVES BUS
Listen gotta draw the line somewhere. Apparently that line is at my nuts.
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