he just told me about his fetish for rubbing grape jelly on his penis.
god damn woman. you are like the herpes of drunk texting. you never go away.
she's got a whisker from her dead cat taped to the wall. I'm pretty sure that about sums it up...
I just had a heart to heart with a stripper I'm becoming a dentist.
I posted my balls on ericas instagram. It got 17 likes.
And apparently I was the one that started the drunken make out session that broke the window
So his 25th anniversary post of love to his wife was almost verbatim what he said to me last week. Does that mean I win or lose?
If we all have the time, and the weather permits, and you have no plans, we should have another go at Operation Get Our Carless Friends Laid. All the lonely people will be out. We can take our lonely people out too.
if you arent using your penis to save lives, then what good is it?
Definitely accidentally brought drugs into Disneyland. Considering using them.
My drug dealer was just on ESPN..
I'm too drunk to make ramen. What the fuck is this.
Oh, did your mom say anything else about my butt?
when part of the plan includes getting high, i usually forget how the rest of the plan goes.
IT'S PERFEFT
... what?
HIS DICK. IT'S PERFECT. BYE.
Randomize
