if I could go back to kindergarten and not fuck up my life, I so would.
I just smelled my beer. It smells like coming home.
Dude you make losing your phone an art. You left it balancing on a two liter bottle in the kitchen. Wtf
im afraid if i stop breathing i will turn into a porcupine
If I give you a key to my place you have to promise to one day wake me up with a blowjob.
And by one day I mean once every two weeks.
He set two of my ex boyfriends on fire at two different bars without anyone knowing it was him or how it happened either time. He might be a fucking super hero
I mean, they were small fires and no one got hurt, but still. Awesome.
I messaged him asking for his address. He replied with the address then said, "If you're gonna stalk me, I'm the third window on the side and usually get naked around 8am and anytime randomly after 6pm (listen for music).. If you're sending anthrax, I'm 6'2" 225lbs so send a good amount."
Had a guy spin me around at the bar, kiss me then say "oh shit you're not who I thought you were" and then walk away.
LET ME HAVE MY JUDGMENT OF OTHER PEOPLE
Everyone is all excited about the iPhone 7 being water resistant and I'm only concerned with whether or not it can be destroyed by salsa or cum
I just called my grandma crying, apologizing for being the first grandchild to have premarital sex...I'm either about to start my period or pregnant.
He's going to be in the air guitar championships in june. Need I say more.
I woke up to rachel asking "did anyone else fall out of a tree last night?"
He was singing on top of spaghetti, and then started crying. He said it was the saddest song ever, "so so sad".
How did the test come back?
I've never been so happy to have a yeast infection. And i got a free pack of birth control
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