Wow.. I was doing a mental check of my bank balance & I literally just said to myself: 'I have 27 dollars and a bottle of tequila til tuesday-ill be fine'
Nyc is like a mosaic of my failed dates.
just threw up nine times in the shower.. solid night last night.
You better be watching. There will be a POP quiz. Each correct answer gains you 5 more minutes of the sexual act of your choice
He woke up, got my bottle of water and poured it on me and then went back to sleep. Not really how I want to wake up at 2 a.m.
I feel like a squirrel prepping for the winter on dollar beer nights.
you dragged me by my throat over to the shots. this is a new level of alcoholism..
Sorry, but you probably shouldn't come over. I'm too sober for this.
Well I tried to call you. I was convinced my body was made of wood. But the Xmas lights in my room helped
Double dirt bag award winner tonight. He picked me up in his wife's car.
The only people allowed to make me cry are myself and Chris Hemsworth as Thor. And me.
I can feel the shame as I walk down your hallway.. good night
Pretty sure the delivery guy saw me taking a shit this morning
i just woke up from a 4 hour nap, still drunk, to make mac n cheese.
How are they?
Amazing! These new boobs are going to break blouse buttons and wedding vows!
Randomize
