you thought that fire hydrant was a midget...you gave it a hug and asked for a lollipop.
Billy Mays is dead, Vince Schlomi is in jail, who's going to sell me useful gadgets at ridiculously low prices now?!
double majoring has taught me only that psych majors are sluttier than govt majors
PSA: Morning booty calls are no longer accepted after the hours of 6am when I've been drinking or before 11am when I have not. Your cooperation is appreciated.
Three guys came up to me at the bar and started dancing on me, while screaming "Johnson's girl." That's the last time I sleep with a freshmen.
He blended the pizza with water and drank the whole thing. He is my hangover hero
On a lighter note, my mom and I were playing scattergories, and for "things that you keep hidden" we both put dildo. Proof that we really are related.
Yeah. You can ask him out. We're just fuck buddies. My vagina will be sad but your heart can be happy.
I'm sorry for gagging during our first time having sex
I was drunk
Please answer
Well, most of my extended family doesnt know about my love for the penis, so they dont have a reason to disown me
I just got my evaluation. My manager told me he hated my guts and pretty much wanted to stab me in the face. Then he gave me an "exceeds expectations" on pretty much everything and a raise.
You know you suck at relationships when you are sitting in the airport on Christmas day, alone, swiping on Tinder.
I got my gum stuck on his balls.
Y'all let us switch shirts in the middle of 200 people....why did you let me get this drunk by noon?
he put a condom on for a handjob WTF
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