I seriously need to stop naming my lingerie sets after the boys I wear them for. I seriously just asked mom if she put Brett in the dryer
When a girl says " I never would have come over if I knew I was getting kicked out at 7am." the correct response isn't "but think of how responsible you're being."
I hope after we constantly bang for 2 days straight we can agree to be friends again
I played "in the air tonight" on a drum set made of titties, and I'm not even exaggerating
Now the circle is complete. Just interviewed a guy who was a higher up member of the team I worked for in my job before this place
So apparently nutella and chocolate body paint aren't actually the same thing.
Is it socially acceptable to be blind drunk at half five on a Monday afternoon?
Which pub are you in?
I just saw my 7th grade teacher at the club. We had a pretty good talk over drinks. Turns out we both like dancing on tables.
She literally took off her shirt and ran out of the bar. When she ran back she smashed into the glass door with her face....That's got to be the best way to celebrate your 30th.
And you said I'm not athletic, I rubbed one out with my sports band on, it's the same as walking 1/4 mile.
She rode my dick so hard I momentarily lost hearing. I guarantee I had the better St Patrick's.
I'm wandering around outside asking things if they are god
Everyone should just give me a copy of their keys. I take your dog out and I bring beer.
I only wore my thong with cheeseburgers on it because I thought we'd have sex. So I basically wasted my best thong for nothing.
Like honey no, I’m getting groceries while pretending that having sexy talk with you is turning me on
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