K I think ***** turned off her phone. Guess I can't make her feel any more miserable tonight so I'm goin to sleep
How can i ever say i miss u when u wont go away
I wish I could donate my sober boners to my whiskey dick
new hobby: convincing random sorority girls around campus that we hooked up last weekend. i'm 2 for 5.
She posted on her FB that he moved out...It's like she wants me to fuck him.
like he couldn't stop by and throw me in the back seat and ask for a blowjob? he had to give me flowers?
He is full of southern hospitality and I want to be full of him.
I'm like 'WOMAN, YOU'RE 62, RESHEATH THOSE COUGAR CLAWS.'
Very unfortunate to find out the kid who took your virginity has never seen Star Wars🙃
Already doing pt exercises by picking my margarita up off the night stand. Fuck yeah.
Auto correct isn't even working for how drunk you are
Hey, do you know the person who woke me up last night at 1 in the morning yelling and being carried through the courtyard?
That was me Mom...
Dude, don't beat around the bush. We're fucked and you know it.
it was weird i started the party in just my underwear and woke up in my clothes
You have such a talent for this
Friendship, or finding weed?
Yes
Randomize
