You were screaming at a bartender last night for not referring to you as god.
and apparently I tried to pay for beer with a tampon.
watchout when you come home, dougs at the top of the stairs naked eating doritos
Like if god were to send me a cock shot, that's what it would look like.
i just got drunk dialed and its 10am. clearly finals are over.
wine pong. its mother daughter day and i think she's mad. I smell like jager
You were running around yelling "BUKAKE!" and squirting people with a shampoo bottle you found. Total shitshow.
Trust me that one dick you don't want. It's like a whale... That's swam too many oceans...
Just went trick or treating in my kitchen. Found chocolate and scotch. Happy fucking Halloween
Why did you just send me a picture of your dinner?
CAUSE LOOK HOW MUCH SPAGHETTI I'M EATING
So apparently when I'm drunk and want water I pant like a dog and expect to have water given to me..
I just want to be like "i dont know you but ive seen your penis & i like it"
How was your night?
Fell down a flight of stairs. Went to a sex dungeon. Was approached by a man in a leather harness.
I imagine you as a cat holding your burrito with two paws and cutely eating it
I just got a rock from a customer. Weirdest. Tip. Ever.
It’s a hundred kinds of wrong to do Jell-O shots at home alone. Right?
I support drinking alone. But Jell-O shots. That’s a game changer.
Randomize
