His text read: Sex? I replied: Not drunk enough. He bought 4 more rounds and tantalized me with the offer pizza later. This could be the beginning of a beautiful relationship.
i just found my sim card.....i hid it in my tylenol bottle....i guess to ensure i would find it mid-hangover
but then i turned into a human whiteboard because i thought it was a good idea to bring out markers
Maybe someone other than the mad hatter should have gone with him to the ER
Forgot to mention...Pamela Anderson has HPV, so i feel like im in good company
It was awesome explaining why I had a tiger with boxers in my bed, a little bit drunk, to a girl in a pre-sex moment
She blew me in the back of the cab while eye of the tiger was on the radio. Top five all time automatically
i was staring at her drunk thinking "shes at least a four"
Looking at an apartment in Houston. It's right beside my favorite bar and the zoo. Best or worst decision?
I just duct taped myself into my costume. I apologize in advance if you find me in a compromised position involving duct tape and underwear when you get home tonight
You don't know how badly I want to just hold you as a soup spoon holds a bisque
I told him I wish we were at my house cause then I could tell him to get out after we had sex.
Don't take a pillow from my bed. You don't know which ones of them my vagina has been on
You are hungover. Your arguments are irrational an incoherent. We only played twice. Have some Gatorade and take a knee.
I just fucked her boyfriend. Happy birthday, bitch.
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