you know whats awesome about this morning. A suprise visit from my dad at 7:30 am. There was a pair of heels on the lawn and a girl sleeping in just her underwear on the floor of my living room. He either thinks im a champion or a total fuck up. I'm thinking fuck up but im hoping champion.
McDonalds has hash browns for only a quarter!....how many u want?
All of them
He makes me wish my vagina was bigger... This must be what love feels like.
Michelle asked what I was wearing tonight. I responded with a g-string and plastic wrap. I've gotten no response since.
You were pouring Patron into the window of the squad car trying to get the police dog to drink it
So thats why that cop beat my ass?
Probably
Made a holiday JibJab of all my fucks. How's your night?
I have better things to do with my life than be faithful.
That's what every 12 year old basketball team needs; a drunk and hungover lady eating KD whilst cheering them on. Highlight of their lives.
He spelled Steven with "ph", needless to say my nose was almost bleeding from the amount of axe he was wearing.
I left her alone for a few minutes and she's already using a guy on his hands and knees as a chair while another guy is serving her margaritas.
Finding out you're not a mother on Mother's Day >>>
Just fantasized about my boss's fingers in a meeting. I desperately need to get some.
These guys are just fucking with my heart instead of fucking me. They're fucking up.
I wish people could trade lives with me for a day so they could see how much better my life is compared to theirs
Despite evidence suggesting otherwise, it turns out max is 100%straight.
Randomize
