just ate pastrami before passing out in my hotel room. My room smells like a petting zoo
I just woke up in my closet, wearing a pink cowboy hat and a pink thong...
I want my thong back.
I hate you tequila.
Angelique from Rock of Love is now doing phone sex commercials for central illinois....id say she's going places.
I just gave head in the laundry room on campus. He said it was one of the best moments in all of history. Take that, neil armstrong.
i DID try to find you last night. i asked where you were and you texted me the letter "e" and a picture of the dark.
sorry for the blank pocket text. My penis obviously has nothing to say to you.
Sitting on an airplane reeking of booze, sex and shame while surrounded by families coming home from Disney. This is not one of my finer moments.
Yah at one point i was listening to metallica and doing pushups last night. I went thru alot of emotions.
I started scrolling back in our texts looking for context and a picture of your dick rose like the Great Pumpkin in the middle of my screen.
There will always be a place in my black heart for him because he gave me my first sex-induced orgasm. While you slept on the bunk above.
Yea... The gym isn't gunna happen today... When I was drunk last night I tried to prove I could front flip off the wheel cover of a semi... I fucked up my shoulder pretty bad... It was more of a roll
i just woke with half a bagel saran wrapped to my phone and a cookie in an envelope beside my head...
pray to the hookup gods
Real life skills section of my resume: blow jobs, food knowledge trivia, sarcasm, mascaera application, sexting, tolerance of rail liquors
You need to go! It’s a midwestern wedding - the single girls out there think life ends at 25 if they don’t have a picket fence and family. That’s when your penis introduces himself
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