Fyi I let myself into your place, I'm wearing some of your clothes in your bed. Come take them off
6:33 AM: I'm drunk at this time of morning.
i have accomplished my summer goal of being able to relate to every taylor swift song
You know the guy who poops at a party and then leaves and you go in, do your business, and come out and there are girls outside that think you pooped and no one talks to you? I'm the guy who poops before you go in, because I'm in a relationship and I hate you.
There is literally a guy in my class with a gallon of water and a trophy.
there is beer in every square inch of this apartment and he hasn't even lived in it for 24 hours. we're playing some game that involves slamming beer, beer pong and smacking people's cups out of their hands.
His sombrero wouldn't fit in the car and I had to buy him some Jack to make him stop bitching. You owe me
He chipped a tooth on the first beer. You know the night is just going to be a slushy mess after that.
Yes ma'am.Im also looking at my collection of penis pictures in my email playing "who;s penis is that"?
Welcome to the single world where it seems vibrator batteries are in short supply and making a sandwich while naked at 2am is relatively normal
yeah well, its not like my astrogynecology class is teaching me what i need to know
im almost 90% sure there is no such thing as astrogynecology.
Welp, I'm allergic to codeine. Found that one out the hard way.
I haven't been single on my birthday for 7 years. If you don't get me laid tonight, your best friend/wing woman status will be revoked.
we should get together and get drunk.
On a Monday?
don't discriminate against mondays.
After I chugged my beer the cop slapped my ass and said "atta girl" this can't be real life.
Randomize
