i want two things in life...emily to stop talking and a block of cheese.
Ugh, here's a dating tip. Hairy legs are a major turn off
You told me you were pretty sure you were god because you knew everything about everyone.
You should really come over right now. There's hot construction workers across the street. I'm gonna go pour beer on myself in a bikini on the sidewalk. See you in 5?
Vodka and Eggs at 9:30AM = thank you, America.
Nothing on google about my condom issue. However, if you get a chance google: condom with teeth.
I no longer question where these bruises come from... between the strip pole in the living room, the slipnslide in the hallway and our constant level of intoxication I will always be bruised...
Next time when I try to seductively eat onion rings while drunk remind me of tonight.
I just saw that cheerleader from u of arkansas that I hooked up with over spring break on espn. My parents would be so proud.
The cabbie told us to at least pretend we weren't doing coke while he was driving
I can't in good conscience help you bag a Catholic girl who isn't at least a 7.
DUDE I FINGERED JOE'S MOM, PLS DONT TELL HIM, MORE LATER
I serenaded the cat in the hat for a few 90s songs but idk who he is
A stripper choked me last night. Then I choked her. Now we're going on a date this Saturday.
she told me id be a great addition to their lesbian community and shes giving me sex eyes from across the room. come get me NOW
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