Just saw a man being put through a dui test on the side of the road... it was noon and he was on a bicycle. God bless texas.
Maryland truck stops are full of people with killer mustaches
As of tonight I have officially had sex during every Disney movie.
im pretty sure thats the first step to being a pedafile
I just woke up to me licking the dognuts
You mean Doughnuts?
......No :(
I think I ordered pizza when I got home. The email said the delivery time was noon today. So if that shit shows up I am the most amazing drunk on the planet.
i got a blow job in the bathroom during intermission at the hockey game. i'm pretty sure i made Canada proud.
I just found a bottle of gin in my vegetable crisper. Party is back on.
i just added no after every hockey player in my phone..
The length of my leg hair is a constant reminder of how long it's been since I even thought I had a chance of getting laid.
I'm resourceful. I forgot we don't have coca cola so now I'm drinking Jack & Dew or Mountain Daniels. Also, I haven't decided on an official name yet for this drink. I'm leaning toward Jack & Dew
You can't say "my boobs are wonderful" and not expect my drunken subconscious to focus on wanting to see them. Btw-can I see them?
She's passed out with a slice of pizza between her boobs should I just eat it and leave
Do you remember when I didn't post that pic of you fucking an avocado on your boss' desk? Can you return the favour?
I'm not sure if 14 year old me would be disappointed or proud that I fucked him behind her middle school??
It's a weird kind of sexy when a guy has a bunkbed with his roommate
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