i threw up in a trash can last night at kellys irish times. but in a trash can because i'm a lady
you should have seen his reaction to my boobs, it was like he just met god
i think i just put your shirt on , but i don't remember . my body can't decide if it wants to move in slow motion or fast forward
The only piece of furniture in the apartment is a wine rack.
Good news: he out-ran the campus police. Bad news: they were chasing him toward the REAL police.
doing a walk of shame covered in blue food coloring is only embarrassing if you make it embarrassing...actually no its embarrassing on all accounts
im just laying here pukin in my mouth and swallowing it 'cause im WAY too lazy to actually get up and find a place to vomit. this is my life now.
What happened to the good old days when we whispered the words beer pong and people came running?
How is it medically possible for my urine to smell like espresso
My vibrator box just fell off the table and hit my cat in the head, he is a little stunned. Good thing I went medium size
I stole a tiki torch last night and just returned it. Things have been better.
Don't worry my mom is buying me a vasectomy for Christmas
I'm feeding a baby and swiping on tinder...what has my life come to?!?!
He fucked me harder than I've ever been fucked before and afterwards he started crying and profusely apologizing to god and baby Jesus for his sin.
Sent. All. My. Texts. Like. This. Last. Night. Thank. You. Weed. Also. Had. A. Dream. About. A. Serial. Killer. That. Killed. Everyone. Except. Me. And.
Randomize
