I took off my bra and money fell out...how crazy was I tonight?
Tall, dark & handsome can suck my short, pale & awkward dick.
New record: 45 minutes. Afterwards I played We Are The Champions while we cuddled.
I didn't know it was possible to throw up mid-sneeze.
The nurse gave me a funny look when I said I thought I have an std in my throat. Bet she only does it missionary too
I don't remember anything past "we have 15 minutes to drink this keg."
You showed up to your dad's bday dinner late, dirty, and hungover then proceeded to yell at the bartender for trying to take advantage of you by putting extra bourbon in your drink... Highly doubt you win best daughter award.
When I realised he had a girlfriend I just started telling them about my ex and how I write poetry about him. Which I then read to them. They just gave me pity looks and left me to finish my spliff alone.
But I'll just tell people it was a bar fight... Sounds a lot better than "well I was drunk and alone and eating Special K naked in my bed"
There's times when I just want to bottle my farts for later they're so insane.
I woke up and sent him a text that said 'I'm sorry forever'
This is what we get for finishing a whole box of Franzia by ourselves
I just used my citation as a bookmark. Want a beer?
hey u leave my anime porn out of this
I stole a block of cheese from the party last night and put it in my purse but I got so drunk that I left my purse on the floor and my dog ate it.
Randomize
